The Official Crime Report

I was the victim of a hideous crime today. It still chokes me up when I think about it, but I will do my best to explain the events of this afternoon.

Location: The Big Dipper, Helena, MT

Time: Approximately 1:30 pm

Date: February 12, 2011

Victim’s Statement: It all started innocently enough. We took the family into an ice cream shop for a little treat. Once everyone was seated, I decided to snap a quick photo of everyone with their ice cream.


 After the snapshot, I excitedly returned to my seat to devour my own ice cream sundae.

I pulled out my cherry, only to find that there was nothing attached to the stem.

I was about to take my sundae back to the counter to tell them that there must have been some mistake, my stem was supposed to have a cherry attached. A very scrumptious maraschino cherry, in fact. The man sitting next to me, we will call him the Suspect, then admitted to eating the cherry. My cherry.

I couldn’t believe my ears. It couldn’t possibly be true. I must have misunderstood him. The cherry must have simply fallen off the stem and was somewhere inside my ice cream. So, I began to dig…

…but no matter how much I dug, there was no cherry to be found. I suddenly realized that it was true! The Suspect had in fact eaten my cherry

He then informed me that I not only watched him do it, but that I took a picture of him eating said cherry! Impossible! But, as I zoomed in on him in the first photograph taken…

I was appalled! There he was, plain as day, eating my cherry, while I took a picture of him doing so!

Do you see what I mean about being the victim of a crime? Officer, I would like to press charges. Here is the man you are looking for:


If you look closely, you can still see a chunk of my cherry stuck in his teeth…